ParentLink Newsletter

This blog is being replaced by Emmanuel's ParentLink Newsletter, which is a monthly publication found at elcparentlink.org. This blog will remain static in order for people to still access the information found at this blog.

A Parent's Smile

As the author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin and many other books and short stories, Harriet Beecher Stowe was a very successful writer. As a twelve year old student at Litchfield Academy, she achieved her first triumph as an author. In an essay contest, her essay was awarded first prize by the unanimous vote of the judges and was one of two papers read at the graduation exercises by the headmaster, John Brace. So outstanding was her paper, the audience applauded when it was read.

When it was revealed that Harriet Beecher was the author of this paper, her father Lyman, pastor of the local church, smiled proudly. The smile of her proud father was a reward Harriet cherished as long as she lived. Her biographer said, "Neither the honors nor the success she won in later life meant as much to her as her father's smile." A father's smile - a mother's nod of approval, very powerful indeed! Deep within the heart of every young person is the need to have a father or a mother say, "Well done. I'm proud of you. You're a good kid!"

Mark tells us that at Jesus' baptism he heard the voice of God saying to him, "You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased!" What a marvelous affirmation!

If anyone has ever said you are bad or worthless, remember, God said, "You are my beloved."

Sharing the Joy

This is the time of the year when we should be thinking about the ones we love, but we often get side-tracked due to its busy-ness. Make time to be with those you love, your family and friends. Here are a few ideas to try as you spend quality time with those special people.

• Make wrapping paper using butcher paper and festive stamps. Or draw and color on the paper.
• Form a kazoo band and go caroling - no singing allowed!
• Make time to visit your older relatives such as grandparents or aunts and uncles. Share a meal or just a cup of hot chocolate while you ask them about Christmases past and their favorite traditions.
• Try a holiday recipe from a different culture. They are easy to find by doing a quick service on the internet.
• Find an inactive time at your church’s sanctuary, when you can gather for quiet worship and meditation. Then sit together as a family and begin with a quiet prayer of thanksgiving for the blessings your family has received in the past year. Be sure to give everyone a chance to contribute.

Conversations with Teenagers - Part II

Almost all parents have trouble holding meaningful conversations with their teenagers (and tweenagers). Here are a few tips to help you open the lines of communication.

• Show up. You can’t talk if you aren’t there. Be sure to make time for your teenager.
• Talk in motion. Find something to do with your teenager while communicating—playing hoops, shopping, or learning a computer program, for example.
  
• Shock them. Say something novel every so often. Unexpected comments will definitely get their attention.
• Tantalize them. Entice them into meaningful conversations with lead-ins such as “I have something to tell you, but I’m not sure you’ll be able to handle it” or “What I’m about to say will probably surprise you.”
• Share funny stories about things that have happened to you. And avoid too many tales from your youth as object lessons.
• Ask for advice. When you’re trying to decide what outfit to wear, a vacation itinerary, or what movie to see, a book to read, ask your teenager for an opinion, and be prepared to be surprised by his or her insight.
• Talk more about the future and less about the past. Encourage your kids to tell you their dreams. Most teenagers like to talk about the future, but they dread digging up the past.
• Stay quiet. Don’t always fill in “dead air.” Silence can communicate a readiness to listen to what your teenager has to say.

Conversations with Teenagers

Those of us who have, had or work with teenagers know how hard it for adults to have a conversation with a teenager. We often perceive that they are avoiding a conversation, and usually we would be right. Teenagers, and tweenagers, often avoid conversations with adults for many reason. The top three reasons are that they fear the conversations is going to go somewhere they do not want to go; the topic does not interest them; and, the questions are not specific enough for them to understand what the adult really wants.

The best way to communicate with teens, and tweens, about important things is to help them become comfortable with conversations. Communication is important because it is the hinge-pin of any relationship. A great way to get started is for the adult and youth to sit down and ask each other questions that are interesting but not too deep - after all you down start digging a hole at the bottom. Here are some suggestions to get started

Questions to ask your youth (with a follow-up question)

What is your favorite movie and why?
What have you seen in a movie that you’ve copied?
Who are you most like in your family and why?
Who are you least like in your family and why?
Who do you wish you were?
Who are you glad your not?

Questions for youth to ask parents (or other adults)

Who were your best friends growing up and why?
Are you still close? Why or why not?
What about your childhood would you like me to experience?
What about your childhood would you like me to avoid?
Did you ever give up on something like a sport, an instrument or learning something new?
What was it and why did you give it up? Did you regret it?

Positive Influence

There are many studies that tell us that other people have a powerful influence on us. A few of those studies tell us that we will often become what others tell us we are. Tell a child that he or she is a good child, praise him for his positive acts, tell her she is pretty and you are proud of her, and he or she will live up to that positive self-image.

Pablo Picasso once said rather immodestly, "When I was a child, my mother said to me, `If you become a soldier you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the Pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso." Whether you appreciate Picasso's art or not you will have to admit he had a wise mother. We become what people tell us we will become. If people prophesy success for us then success is probably what we will attain.

We all need somebody who believes in us - somebody who sees us as we could be. We all need to feel loved, accepted, appreciated. Parents and grandparents can do this for their children and grandchildren. However, ff you do not have such a person in your life, step out and make one. Develop a Christian friend who will help you become all God wants you to be. And remember that Jesus Christ loves each and everyone of us!

A friend loves at all times, and kinsfolk are born to share adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

Teenage Rebellion

We all know that teenagers are notorious for being rebellious. But is it an important, natural phase? I believe so. When I think about my teenage rebellion (not cutting my hair and wearing clothes that my parents would rather me not wear) I see how important it was in my develop as an adult. My wife also tells of her rebellion which took the form of not wearing her school uniform correctly. While these examples are clearly rebellion, they did not really harm anyone and helped us develop our self awareness. So why do teens rebel and should we let them?

1. Teenagers have a need for independence. Letting teenagers rebel in areas that are not really big deals (such as keeping their rooms clean, growing out their hair or cutting their hair) helps them begin to feel that they’re capable of self-sufficiency. This doesn’t mean that as parents we should just stop asking them to clean their rooms - it would not be rebellion if we did let them know it bothers us. Also, the less strict the parent, the more outrageous the rebellion has to be in order to get the reaction the teen is trying to get from you.

2. Teenagers need to practice making decisions. Lesser harmful types of rebellion still result in consequences that help teenagers learn to make better decisions. Home is the safest place for kids to fail and get back up on their feet again. (I finally cut my hair due to one too many people calling me a “young lady.”) However, I do believe that rebellion such as drug use or harmful influence on others does require appropriate, stricter consequences.

3. Teenagers need to know that you have confidence in them. When you offer confidence in your teenager’s decisions, rebellion may become unnecessary. Assert your support for whatever decision he or she makes, even if it’s not your choice, while encouraging your teenager to include God in the process.