The Family Square

ParentLink Newsletter

2008-12-30T11:43:00.003-05:00

This blog is being replaced by Emmanuel's ParentLink Newsletter, which is a monthly publication found at elcparentlink.org. This blog will remain static in order for people to still access the information found at this blog.

2008-09-02T17:03:00.002-05:00

A Parent's Smile

As the author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin and many other books and short stories, Harriet Beecher Stowe was a very successful writer. As a twelve year old student at Litchfield Academy, she achieved her first triumph as an author. In an essay contest, her essay was awarded first prize by the unanimous vote of the judges and was one of two papers read at the graduation exercises by the headmaster, John Brace. So outstanding was her paper, the audience applauded when it was read.

When it was revealed that Harriet Beecher was the author of this paper, her father Lyman, pastor of the local church, smiled proudly. The smile of her proud father was a reward Harriet cherished as long as she lived. Her biographer said, "Neither the honors nor the success she won in later life meant as much to her as her father's smile." A father's smile - a mother's nod of approval, very powerful indeed! Deep within the heart of every young person is the need to have a father or a mother say, "Well done. I'm proud of you. You're a good kid!"

Mark tells us that at Jesus' baptism he heard the voice of God saying to him, "You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased!" What a marvelous affirmation!

If anyone has ever said you are bad or worthless, remember, God said, "You are my beloved."

2007-12-11T18:08:00.000-05:00

Sharing the Joy

This is the time of the year when we should be thinking about the ones we love, but we often get side-tracked due to its busy-ness. Make time to be with those you love, your family and friends. Here are a few ideas to try as you spend quality time with those special people.

• Make wrapping paper using butcher paper and festive stamps. Or draw and color on the paper.
• Form a kazoo band and go caroling - no singing allowed!
• Make time to visit your older relatives such as grandparents or aunts and uncles. Share a meal or just a cup of hot chocolate while you ask them about Christmases past and their favorite traditions.
• Try a holiday recipe from a different culture. They are easy to find by doing a quick service on the internet.
• Find an inactive time at your church’s sanctuary, when you can gather for quiet worship and meditation. Then sit together as a family and begin with a quiet prayer of thanksgiving for the blessings your family has received in the past year. Be sure to give everyone a chance to contribute.

2007-11-14T16:05:00.000-05:00

Conversations with Teenagers - Part II

Almost all parents have trouble holding meaningful conversations with their teenagers (and tweenagers). Here are a few tips to help you open the lines of communication.

Show up. You can’t talk if you aren’t there. Be sure to make time for your teenager.
Talk in motion. Find something to do with your teenager while communicating—playing hoops, shopping, or learning a computer program, for example.
Shock them. Say something novel every so often. Unexpected comments will definitely get their attention.
Tantalize them. Entice them into meaningful conversations with lead-ins such as “I have something to tell you, but I’m not sure you’ll be able to handle it” or “What I’m about to say will probably surprise you.”
Share funny stories about things that have happened to you. And avoid too many tales from your youth as object lessons.
Ask for advice. When you’re trying to decide what outfit to wear, a vacation itinerary, or what movie to see, a book to read, ask your teenager for an opinion, and be prepared to be surprised by his or her insight.
Talk more about the future and less about the past. Encourage your kids to tell you their dreams. Most teenagers like to talk about the future, but they dread digging up the past.
Stay quiet. Don’t always fill in “dead air.” Silence can communicate a readiness to listen to what your teenager has to say.

2007-10-26T14:10:00.000-05:00

Conversations with Teenagers

Those of us who have, had or work with teenagers know how hard it for adults to have a conversation with a teenager. We often perceive that they are avoiding a conversation, and usually we would be right. Teenagers, and tweenagers, often avoid conversations with adults for many reason. The top three reasons are that they fear the conversations is going to go somewhere they do not want to go; the topic does not interest them; and, the questions are not specific enough for them to understand what the adult really wants.

The best way to communicate with teens, and tweens, about important things is to help them become comfortable with conversations. Communication is important because it is the hinge-pin of any relationship. A great way to get started is for the adult and youth to sit down and ask each other questions that are interesting but not too deep - after all you down start digging a hole at the bottom. Here are some suggestions to get started

Questions to ask your youth (with a follow-up question)

What is your favorite movie and why?
What have you seen in a movie that you’ve copied?
Who are you most like in your family and why?
Who are you least like in your family and why?
Who do you wish you were?
Who are you glad your not?

Questions for youth to ask parents (or other adults)

Who were your best friends growing up and why?
Are you still close? Why or why not?
What about your childhood would you like me to experience?
What about your childhood would you like me to avoid?
Did you ever give up on something like a sport, an instrument or learning something new?
What was it and why did you give it up? Did you regret it?

2007-10-02T17:13:00.000-05:00

Positive Influence

There are many studies that tell us that other people have a powerful influence on us. A few of those studies tell us that we will often become what others tell us we are. Tell a child that he or she is a good child, praise him for his positive acts, tell her she is pretty and you are proud of her, and he or she will live up to that positive self-image.

Pablo Picasso once said rather immodestly, "When I was a child, my mother said to me, `If you become a soldier you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the Pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso." Whether you appreciate Picasso's art or not you will have to admit he had a wise mother. We become what people tell us we will become. If people prophesy success for us then success is probably what we will attain.

We all need somebody who believes in us - somebody who sees us as we could be. We all need to feel loved, accepted, appreciated. Parents and grandparents can do this for their children and grandchildren. However, ff you do not have such a person in your life, step out and make one. Develop a Christian friend who will help you become all God wants you to be. And remember that Jesus Christ loves each and everyone of us!

A friend loves at all times, and kinsfolk are born to share adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

2007-07-12T17:10:00.000-05:00

Teenage Rebellion

We all know that teenagers are notorious for being rebellious. But is it an important, natural phase? I believe so. When I think about my teenage rebellion (not cutting my hair and wearing clothes that my parents would rather me not wear) I see how important it was in my develop as an adult. My wife also tells of her rebellion which took the form of not wearing her school uniform correctly. While these examples are clearly rebellion, they did not really harm anyone and helped us develop our self awareness. So why do teens rebel and should we let them?

1. Teenagers have a need for independence. Letting teenagers rebel in areas that are not really big deals (such as keeping their rooms clean, growing out their hair or cutting their hair) helps them begin to feel that they’re capable of self-sufficiency. This doesn’t mean that as parents we should just stop asking them to clean their rooms - it would not be rebellion if we did let them know it bothers us. Also, the less strict the parent, the more outrageous the rebellion has to be in order to get the reaction the teen is trying to get from you.

2. Teenagers need to practice making decisions. Lesser harmful types of rebellion still result in consequences that help teenagers learn to make better decisions. Home is the safest place for kids to fail and get back up on their feet again. (I finally cut my hair due to one too many people calling me a “young lady.”) However, I do believe that rebellion such as drug use or harmful influence on others does require appropriate, stricter consequences.

3. Teenagers need to know that you have confidence in them. When you offer confidence in your teenager’s decisions, rebellion may become unnecessary. Assert your support for whatever decision he or she makes, even if it’s not your choice, while encouraging your teenager to include God in the process.

2007-05-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

Faith and Family Conflict

Sometimes it’s easy to blame or yell at God during a family conflict. But have you ever look at a conflict with your teenager as a way that God might be trying to build your family’s faith?

One way to start is by changing your prayer from "Lord, help us out of this!" to "Lord, help us to learn what you want us to." This prayer keeps your family members from seeing struggles as a state of imprisonment (something to escape from) and changes it into a way the family can grow.

Most of us know that we rarely get an answer to the question, "Why?" from God. Therefore, instead of demanding definitive answers from God, it’s more productive to ask for humility and trust in his goodness.

Also, avoid wishing that things were different or for God to change others. Remember different is not always better. Plus by asking God to make thinks different, you are sending a message to your family members (true or not) that you don’t appreciate them. Instead, remind your family of the presence of God, even during painful times. There is also the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," to think about.

Finally, instead of pray for ways to resolve a conflict quickly, ask, "Lord, what do you want to teach me through this?"

Talking with Children about the Virginia Tech Shootings and Other Violent Events

2007-04-17T16:54:00.000-05:00

After the recent shootings at Virginia Tech, children will have questions and concerns about this event. Compiled below is some information gleaned from several sources.

1. Listen to children. Allow them to express their concerns and fears.

2. Regardless of a child's age, the most important thing you can do is to reassure children of safety and security. Tell children that you, their school, their friends and their communities are all focused on their safety and that those around them are working for their safety. You many need to have discussions about those who protect us such as police, firefighters, teachers and other school officials, neighbors and all concerned adults throughout the community.

3. When discussing the events with younger children, the amount of information shared should be limited to some basic facts. Use words meaningful to them (not words like sniper, murderer, etc.), nor violent descriptive words (such as killed, bloodly). For younger children, do not go into specific details unless the child brings up the topics, and then give the less information you can in order not to add to the stress they may already have.

4. School-aged children will most likely ask, "Can this happen here, or to me?" Do not lie to children (because you will lose their trust). Reiterate how the community is focused on working to keep everyone safe in the community.

5. Adults should be cautious of permitting young children to watch news or listen to radio that is discussing or showing the situation. Most of them can not really process this information. Personal discussions are the best way to share information with this age group. Also, be prepared and plan to discuss this many times over the coming weeks.

6. When discussing the events with preteens and teens, more detail is appropriate, and many will already have seen or heard news broadcasts. Do not let them focus too much on graphic details (nor on the weapons and techniques). Instead, encourage them to talk about their feelings and concerns. Focus your discussions on what they share with you. Also, be careful of how much media they are exposed to - especially in this age when one can watch a news channel for hours. Talk directly with them about the tragedy and answer their questions truthfully.

7. Although preteens and teens are more mature, do not forget to reassure them of their safety and your efforts to protect them. Regardless of age, all children must hear this message.

8. Be on the lookout for physical symptoms of anxiety that children or youth may demonstrate. They may be a sign that a child, although not directly discussing the situation, is very troubled by the recent events. Talk more directly to children who exhibit these signs such as: Headaches, Excessive worry, Stomach aches, Increased arguing, Back aches, irritability, trouble sleeping, breaking from routines, withdrawal, increase in clinging behavior, nightmares, and refusal to go to places such as school.

9. Adults should often reassure children that they will be protected and kept safe. During tragedies like this one, words expressing safety and reassurance with concrete plans should be discussed and agreed upon within the family to provide the most comfort to children and teens.

10. If you are concerned about your children and their reaction to this or any tragedy, talk directly with their school counselor, family doctor, or local mental health professional.

2007-04-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

Easter Cookies

A couple years ago, I discovered a recipe for Easter Story Cookies. I was intrigued with the idea and decided to try them out. What a wonderful opportunity this presented to further teach our children about Easter.

The ideal time is to begin this recipe on Saturday, the day before Easter. However, one could do this any time between the Saturday before Easter and Penecost and still be in the season of Easter. I also believe anytime is a good time to teach children about our Risen Lord, so don't worry if it is not within the Easter season.

Items
1 cup whole pecans
(For those who have tree nut allergies, one could use hard pretzels.)
1 teaspoon vinegar
3 egg whites
pinch salt
1 cup sugar
zipper baggie
wooden spoon or a wooden meat hammer
duct tape or packing tape
Bible

Preheat oven to 300*F.

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon or hammer to break them into small pieces.

Explain that after Jesus was arrested he was beaten by the Roman soldiers. Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 teaspoon of vinegar into the mixing bowl.

Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross he was given vinegar to drink. Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to the vinegar. Eggs represent life.

Explain that Jesus gave his life to give us life. Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste. Then put your pinch of salt in the bowl.

Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus's followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23:27

So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing! Add 1 cup sugar to the bowl.

Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because he loves us. He wants us to know and belong to him. Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 10 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks form.

Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheets.

Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus's body was laid. Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape to seal the oven door.

Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed. Read Matthew 27:65-66.

Leave the kitchen. If you've been making these cookies just before bedtime, GO TO BED!

Acknowledge that the kids are probably sad that they've worked hard to make these cookies, and now have to leave them in the oven overnight. Explain that Jesus' followers were in sad when Jesus died and the tomb was sealed. Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Ask the kids to notice the cracked surface. Have them bite into the cookies. The cookies are hollow!

Explain that on the first Easter morning, Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. Read Matthew 28:1-9.

HE HAS RISEN!

2007-03-08T19:42:00.000-05:00

Great Idea for Family Fun

Most of us parents had a favorite Saturday morning cartoon when we were growing up. With the exception of the Flintstones, cartoons could only be found on TV that one half day a week. And we all had our favorite cartoons shows (I’ve tell you mine later). But have you compared your favorite cartoons with your kids’ favorites—either those they like now or when they were younger?

It might be time for the Family Cartoon Showdown! Compare your list and your kids’ lists with the list below. Gather in front of the TV and have everyone state the case for the shows they revere the most. End the great debate with a weekend cartoon marathon.

Fat Albert—Educator-approved, so your parents had to like it!
Gumby: Must-see claymation. But what does it all mean?
ReBoot: Groundbreaking animation begets techno-savvy storylines.
Scooby-Doo: We loved those mystery-chasing teenagers...and still do!
Batman: Great animation means the legend lives on.
Smurfs: Smurfs were the cultural icons of the early ‘80s.
Freakazoid: Positively addictive misadventures!
The Tick: The cartoon for cartoon aficionados.
Underdog: The shoeshine-boy-turned-hero is all heart.
Wacky Races: Crazy characters and cars feed the short attention span.
Mighty Mouse: The singing hero.
Danger Mouse: The one-eyed James Bond of the rodent set.
Johnny Quest: Why did he always happen to be where the trouble starts?

And here is a hint for my all-time favorite cartoon show:
One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Coming on to bring you the Banana Splits show
Making up a mess of fun
Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone
Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la

Yes, the Banana Splits Adventure Hour with all those great short cartoons.

There are many ways to see some of the older cartoons. A few ideas are the rental stores, especially the online ones. Also check out the schedules of the cable stations such as Boomerang and Cartoon Network.

Having a problem remembering details about a cartoon? Drop me a line and I might be able to help.

2007-02-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

Role Models

It’s tough when children and tweenagers (10-12 year olds) chose inappropriate celebrity role models. Here are some ideas that may help you counteract the effects of a negative influence.

- Avoid being critical. Do not demean a negative role model; simply make observations about his or her behavior or lifestyle - without condemning the person or being too sarcastic.

- Be the best influence. Keep in mind that a child’s most important influence is still his or her parents, not a sports figure or a music star.

- Encourage research. Allow your child or tweenager to get a good understanding about the details of a role model’s life by exploring magazines and Internet articles.

- Provide options. Do not focus on the TV and movies. Expose your child or tweenager to a diversity of experiences by visiting libraries, museums, plays, and non-pop music concerts. Checking with local libraries and community centers are a good place to start for inexpensive ideas.

- Share with your child. Talk about your appropriate role models when you were your child’s age.

2007-02-19T14:43:00.000-05:00

A Parent's Calling

Part of a parent’s calling is to model obedience to God and to teach his or her children God’s Word (this is also part of the parents' promise in the order of Baptism for most denominations).

So, how do we live up to this call? I would like to encourage you to make this "teaching" a 24/7/365 priority. Parenting must become intentional. Commit to a conscious and prayerful effort to seize every opportunity to teach your child, tweenage, teenager and/or young adult God’s Word. We must be there with our children. How much time are we spending with our children? We cannot take advantage of teachable moments as they arise unless we are present. There must also be planned times of "teaching". Because teachable moments do not always present themselves, it is crucial to set aside planned time for Bible study to keep your family spiritually focused.

2007-01-23T15:25:00.000-05:00

It’s a Guy Thing

Encouraging spiritual growth in teenage and young adult guys can be a unique challenge because they often see religion as a weakness and may rebel more than girls against parental attitudes. Keeping this in mind, I would like to share with you some information that I have found useful. According to Bill Beausay in his book Teenage Boys!, there are four important aspects to help create a spiritual home base for these young men.

1. Get Happy: Focus on the joy in your own faith rather than cornering your teenager with ultimatums.

2. Create Proximity: Expose your teenager to people who are alive in Christ, such as speakers, athletes, youth specialists, and other Christian family members and friends.

3. Be Jesus-Flavored: Bring Jesus alive for your teenager by “seasoning” your own life with Christlike behavior. If you live with Jesus’ radical faith and kindness, Jesus will become an actual presence in your son’s life.

4. Get Caught Giving: Don’t just give money. Give time, compliments, gifts, acts of service, blessings, and thanks.

2007-01-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

Values: Youth and Money

With the way teenagers spend money, one would think that they would just blow a large amount of money that they suddenly won. However, research shows that this is not generally the case.

According to a recent survey, when American teenagers were asked, "What would you do if you won $100,000?" an astounding 93% of them stated that they would buy a gift for their parents. They don't plan on spending it all on this present, so other things they would spend that money on are:
New car 67%
Vacation 63%
College 55%
Charity 45%
(Source: Impulse Research for Tombstone)

Having information like this should encourage parents to continue to talk with their tweenagers and teenagers about responsibility with money. Below is a short list of some great opportunities to talk about money with your youth.

Take your youth with you when you go grocery shopping - it’s a great way to teach them budgeting.

Talk about the ads you see on TV. Talk about how these ads work or do not work on selling youth products. Use these ideas to help come up with ways to keep TV marketing from working on your youth.

Have your teenage help when it’s time to pay your monthly bills. This is a chance for you to talk about how much things really cost and learn how to meet their own financial responsibiliy in the future.

Praise your youth when they reach a financial goal such as saving for a large ticket item. Positive reinforcement is a powerful motivator.

2007-01-06T13:12:00.000-05:00

Consequences and Reconciliation

I was surfing the ‘net and came across an old story about how a teacher found a novel way to make students pay for their transgressions. The teacher, Bruce Janu, had students who ended up getting in trouble in school at Riverside-Brookfield High outside of Chicago stay after school in the Frank Sinatra Detention Club. There, for 30 minutes, they must sit utterly still--no talking, no homework, no snoozing - and listen to “Ol'Blue Eyes” croon songs from a by-gone era.

"The kids hate it. They're miserable," reports Mr Janu, a Sinatra fan who devised the club as a way to make detention more fun for him and less so for the students.

"It just got to where I couldn't stand it," said one senior. "It was SO BORING."

Janu isn't totally heartless though. He lets students sing along if they want - but nobody does.

It is important for people to learn that choices have consequences. In terms of their later success, it is one of the most important lessons that they will learn. Adults who are continually bailing their children out when they make mistakes are cheating their children out of one of life's most important lessons: we reap what we sow. Someone has put it this way. There are two major pains in life: the pain of discipline and the pain of regret.

And God is always ready to offer us reconciliation.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5.18)

2006-12-28T11:05:00.000-05:00

Today's Clothes

Have you attempted to go clothes shopping with a teenager or a “tweenager” (those between the age 10 and 13)? It can be frustrating, especially when you look at the fashions today.

Though more modest than the previous generation, today’s youth still struggle with fashion decisions that are honorable to God. Clothing choices usually go hand-in-hand with a young person’s pursuit of identity formation.

I suggest finding an opportunity to talk with your teenager or tweenager about clothing choices sometime and somewhere else other than actually shopping for clothes. One way to engage them is to do a good family Bible study together on the issue.

Read 1 Peter 3:3-4 and 1 Corinthians 10:31. Peter tells us that we should not be concerned about the outward beauty, instead, with the beauty that comes from within.” Corinthians encourages us to do everything for the glory of God.

Read these verses aloud with your family, then throw out the following discussion questions: What types of clothes promote an unhealthy view of sexuality? Explain.

What is modesty? Is modesty important? Why or why not?

Are there times when an item of clothing can be appropriate while at other times it’s inappropriate? Explain. How can you tell the difference?

What statements are young people making with the clothes they wear today?

What do those styles say about the people who wear them?

What do your clothes say about you? Is that the statement you want to make? Why or why not?

2006-12-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

Christmas and St. Nicholas

As Christmas approaches, expectant children are making lists of presents that they hope to receive. Advent is an appropriate time to teach them about the life of St. Nicholas and to remind them, "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35)

St. Nicholas was born during the third century in the region near Myra, a village that is located within modern-day Turkey (Pastor Lewis visited this place when he was a youth). His wealthy parents raised him to be a devout Christian. St. Nicholas obeyed Jesus' words to "sell what you own and give the money to the poor." He used his whole inheritance to help the needy, the sick, and the suffering. The church recognized his total dedication to God and declared him Bishop of Myra while he was still a young man. He was known across the region for his generosity to people in need, for his love of children, and for his concern for sailors. You can find many legends about his life on the Internet and in library books. In many places in the world, St. Nicholas' Feast Day is held on December 6. This special day celebrates the stories of his generosity and goodness. The life of St. Nicholas has much to teach us.

During the Advent and Christmas seasons, encourage children and youth to think like St. Nicholas, by focusing on what they can give, not on what they can receive. In addition to money, a person can give time, talents, and possessions to help others. Brainstorm with the children and youth ways in which they can give their time, talents, and possessions to others. Here are some suggestions:

- Help an elderly neighbor address Christmas cards or wrap presents.
- Provide childcare for the children of a single parent, allowing the parent time to purchase gifts.
- Help a neighbor with some seasonal yard work.
- Assist a family who has a parent overseas serving in the military.
- Be a friend to a new student at school.

Help them to see the needs of those around them and guide them in choosing a need that they can meet.

You can learn more about St. Nicholas by going to one of the links found on the rightside of this page.

Violence in Schools

2006-10-03T14:54:00.000-05:00

There have been three school shootings in the last week and our children are asking questions and expressing fears. Sometimes its hard to talk with our children about these things, mostly because our parents most likely did not have to talk to us about them. Here are some tips from the Northwest Regional Educational Laboratory about how we should respond to our children’s questions with age-appropriate answers.

Children five and younger need to be sheltered from violent media images. It is also recommended that they do not watch TV news. They have difficulty separating a shooting on television from the events of their daily life and may be upset by graphic images. But if preschoolers are exposed to images of graphic violence, give them brief, simple explanations using examples they understand. Avoid using euphemisms. The concept of death may be more comprehensible to very young children when explained in terms of what is absent. For example: When people die they do not eat, talk, or cry. Also, young children will be reassured by nonverbal communications such as demonstrations of physical affection and adherence to a normal routine.

Children ages six to 12 should watch the news with their parents, who can use this shared time as an opportunity to talk about their children's reactions and feelings. Parents can reassure children that school shootings rarely happen, and that their school is safe. Parents can also take this opportunity to discuss the importance of their children making friends with all other children, rather than ostracizing, teasing, or bullying unpopular ones. Parents can stress how important it is for children to talk to adults about signs of anger or unhappiness they may observe in their classmates. Also, parents can explain to their child that they will take an active role in continuing to improve safety conditions in the child's school by going to PTA meetings and talking to the principal.

Parents of high school students should discuss with them the consequences of using violence to resolve conflict. High school students should be encouraged to take an active role in their own school by joining with other students to work against violence. They should be encouraged to develop such activities as peer-based conflict resolution and mediation programs, student council, and Students Against Violence Everywhere (SAVE). Parents should invite their high school youth to attend PTA meetings to assess safety needs in their school. High school students, like younger students, should understand the importance of avoiding cliques, which can alienate unpopular students, as well as the importance of helping adults identify students who are a potential risk.

While these suggestions do not address all the concerns raised by violence in the schools, they are a good place to start. There are also some links on the right to help you and your children explore these issues.

Want to become famous?

2006-09-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

Do you want to be famous? According to a survey conducted by the research firm DYG, fifty-three percent (53%) of youth ages 13 to 17 strongly agreed with the statement "I would really enjoy being famous." This is not an uncommon dream for children and youth, but it seems that the desire to be famous has greatly increased in the last few years. According to some sociologist experts in the field of psychology, the source of this increase are the increasing number of reality shows on TV.

The reasoning behind this has to do with many of the reality shows encouraging children and teenagers to believe that the coolest thing in the world is to be famous, regardless of whether that fame comes from worthy accomplishments or scandalous antics. One does not even need a talent as can be seen on shows such as Survivor, The Real World, and Big Brother. These shows tell our children and youth that celebrity is within anyone's reach.

Its not only the TV shows on the major networks that feed this idea of celebrity. With the abundance of cable channels and the Internet (in particular, Web logs, video blogs, personal home pages and Myspace) have created demand for new faces and new stories. Children and youth more than ever, are willing to reveal their most personal secrets to their "audience."

Parents are asking, what can we do? My suggestions to sit down with your children and teenagers to discuss reality TV as a family and evaluate its value. Make sure they understand the difference between having celebrity and having integrity.

Bullying and Cyberbullying

2006-09-19T15:54:00.000-05:00

Bullying has been around as long as people have been. By the time most children start Kindergarten, they learn to use name-calling or teasing as a form of social power. That power continues throughout the school age years. It occurs in the classroom, cafeteria, hallways, playgrounds, buses and now on the computer and cell phones - cyberbullying.

While some view bullying as a childhood rite of passage, research shows that some children who are the victims of bullying are socially isolated throughout their school years and even leading into their adult lives. Sometimes being bullied can lead to depression, low self-esteem and even violence.

Dr. Wendy Craig, who has done research on bullying says that it is important for parents, and other important people in a child’s life, to work at creating open communications with their children so they are not reluctant or embarrassed to talk about being teased or bullied. Dr. Craig offers a number of ways adults can help a child who is being bullied.

If you suspect a child is being bullied or teased, look for the signs such as being reluctant to go to school or certain activities, frequent “lost” objects or possessions, frequently states that “everyone is picking on me,” or low self esteem. Ask open-ended questions that can not be answered with a yes or no. Some examples are “What kinds of things do you do in school today?” “What happened during recess?”

You can also help your child by sharing your experiences. Tell your childhood stories of being teased or bullied and how it made you feel. Another thing you could do is role-play. Reenact the bullying or teasing and help your child practice non-aggressive ways to handle it. Work with your child to come up with some witty comebacks. Teach preventative tactics such as reporting aggressive and abusive behavior and staying near friends and/or adult supervisors.

Parents often want to act immediately by calling someone in charge to report the bullying, but often the child will ask you not to do so because he or she is afraid th situation will get worse. Respect their wishes at first. But if it gets worse, empower the child to handle the reporting themselves with your assistance. Try not to make it seem like you are rescuing them, but that you are working as a team.

Cyberbullying is bullying that takes form on the computer or cell phone text messages. It can include bullying described above as well as that the form of someone pretending to be your child and posting nasty things. Incidents of cyberbullying continue to grow because it serves a person’s need for instant gratification. There is also the an anonymous factor in cyberbullying. However, nothing is truly anonymous on the internet or with text messaging.

A first line defense against bullying is to use a tracking software that block inappropriate messages and websites, as well as track online activity. Also place the computer your child uses online in a place in the house where you can keep an eye on them. For younger children, you may want to establish rules that limit the time and the amount of time they spend online, such as only when a parent is home.

There are a few “rules” to follow if cyberbullying occurs. The first is to have your child report all unwanted, teasing, inappropriate, threatening and bullying messages to you. The second is to never respond to cyberbullying. Let the bully think that the message was never received. However, this does not mean to underplay and ignore the problem.

The third is to assure your child that you will not take away the cell phone or computer if they tell you that they are being bullied. Also, save and print all harassing messages.

If your child is being cyberbullied there are ways to stop it and track it. ISP’s such as American Online can help with tools like the “AOL Guardian.” Report the bullying to your ISP and the bully’s ISP. If it is bullying via cell phone text messaging with the help of your provider and a little investigation, you should be able to find the cell phone provider of the bully and report the bullying to their provider.

No matter the form bullying takes, it is important for adults to remember that the old sing-song “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me” is not completely true. Words may not cause physical damage, but they can break a child’s spirit and self-esteem.

For more information about stopping cyberbullying, see the links on the right.

Video Games? Creative Fun or Violent

2006-09-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

Video games have become one of the most popular sources of entertainment among children and youth in the United States. One study shows that 70 percent of children have a video game player in their home and 33 percent have one in their bedroom. The problem with these video games are that they are not like the PacMac, Asteroids, and Frogger games with simple graphics from when the majority of these children’s parents were growing up. Video Games have become much more realistic and violent. What is even worse is that many of these games are available to children and young teens with out the parents understanding what the game is about.

Some of the worse offenders of the violent nature of these games are what are know as first person shooter games, or “First Shooter.” These games are seen from the prespective of the person playing it and they are usually armed with a weapon. Another recent craze in “First Shooter” games are based on the player being a driver. The series of Grand Theft Auto games are one example. In these games players are rewarded for stealing cars, assaulting police officers, beating and shooting people. Another car game is Carmageddon where the player is rewarded for running over pedestrians. When one completes all levels of the game and have achived the highest score possible, one would have had to kill over 33,000 people.

Some argue that playing these games are not harmful to our children at all. I beg to different. The first shooter game comes from the same idea that police departments and military forces use to teach people to shoot at people without a second thought. In 2003 the two boys who were shooting at trucks on Interstate 40 in Tennessee where acting out what they had done earlier when they where playing Grand Theft Auto 3.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, media violence can lead to aggressive behavior in children. Over 1,000 studies confirm this link. Two studies that appeared in the April 2000 issue of the American Psychological Association's (APA) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology concluded that violent video games may be more harmful than violent television and movies because they are interactive, very engrossing and require the player to identify with the aggressor. The studies found that playing violent video games can increase a person's aggressive thoughts, feelings and behavior both in laboratory settings and in actual life. A review of the scientific literature in Psychological Science in 2001 showed a consistent pattern of results in 35 studies of video games: exposure to violent games increased aggressive thoughts in children and adults, as well as aggressive feelings, physiological arousal and aggressive behavior.

"Mature"-rated games (for persons 17 or older) are now the fastest growing segment of the video game industry (Knight-Ridder Newspapers, 1/5/03). About one-third of video games now purchased are rated "M," the marketing firm NPD Funworld reports. About 40 percent of those who play "M"-rated games are under 18, according to the Federal Trade Commission.

This is not to say that there are no good video games for children and youth. There are many great titles out there with the ratings for children and youth. Some feature their favorite Disney and cartoon characters, new twists on old favorites such as those from Nintendo and others feature problem solving.

There are three main ratings of games, “E” for everyone, “T” for teens, and “M” for mature. The rating system covers things such as blood and gore, gambling, nudity, level of violence and drugs. The system does not take into account demeaning women or minorities, nor is any such indicator on the packaging required.

There are many resources out there to help you determine which games are suitable for your children or youth. Some of those resources are:

NATIONAL INSTITUTE ON MEDIA AND THE FAMILY

AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

Violent Video Games can Increase Aggession

Harmful Effects of Violent Video Games

Reading with Your Children

2006-09-06T16:56:00.000-05:00

Reading to your child is not only personally rewarding but will help him or her later in life. There are many reports and studies that show reading with your children help them in all kinds of ways, from relationship building to developing critical thinking skills. This is also a great way for you to begin fulfilling your baptism promise of teaching your child about your faith. Below are a few suggestions I have. Some are available in several places for purchase, all are available at local libraries.

Prayers from the Ark, De Gasztold
There are several versions of this book available, some with wonderfully colored illustrations. There is also a version known as Prayers from the Ark and the Creature's Choir. The book is full of prayers from the perspective of the animals on Noah’s Ark.

God’s Paintbrush, Sasso
There are also several other Great Books by the author Sandy Eisenberg Sasso such as Prayer for the Earth, What is God’s Name? and In God’s Name.

Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, Lewis
This is the classic children’s tale by the Christian writer C.S. Lewis of redemption. One this one has been read you can go one to C.S. Lewis’ other tales of Narnia.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at rllewis@elcbethesda.org.

PAX,

Pastor Robert Lewis +